Whose Reality?

     There are a lot of advantages for the world to believe that individual’s realities are in alignment with others, but it is simply not true. A person can live in the reality of believing they are not amazing. No matter how many people tell them they are amazing, and how many times they say thank you, deep inside they do not accept the reality of others. They believe they are not amazing, and many times may feel like a fraud because others tell them they are. 

      Yet in our funny world, people who believe they are amazing and reveal their reality are often labeled as well. Narcissistic is one of the favored labels yet there are the non-diagnostical labels as well, like stuck up, conceited, arrogant, snobby, etc. So we come away with the thought that we can’t think of ourselves as amazing. And if our reality in other ways don’t match what is considered “normal” all kinds of bad things can happen. 

      So, many of us try to conform and hide our reality to not get caught up in a web of having to match up to other people’s realities. We often accept their thoughts of us, good or bad. And the more we deny our reality, the more this leads us into hiding from the world in some form or fashion. So, what is a person to do. 

      What I have found helpful, is to understand my reality does not have to match another person’s reality. I concede that my reality may not fit what most people believe and that my reality may not be as accurate as it could be. I study both realities, allowing for either to be part truth or part made up. I may alter mine or not, depending on what is presented and I do try to keep an open mind. 

      Also, just because my reality doesn’t match yours, I don’t have to tell you. I can allow you to live the bliss of thinking we think the same way. I don’t have to let your reality upset or alter mine. 

      I have found the more centered I am in my own body, the more I know myself, and am honest with myself, I can acknowledge those things I like about myself and those things I want to work on. When someone comes up and calls me a name trying to get my goat, I can manage it. For instance, someone comes up and calls me fat, I can say, “Yes, I am. Was there something else you have to say?” Who am I to deny it. I know by the world’s standard, I am fat. Apologizing for it, or making excuses does no good and does not change the fact. 

      Think of the things people say to you. If it is kind or good, say thank you, even if you don’t agree. This is an occasion to look at how they see you and consider being able to see yourself in the same way. 

      If what they say is upsetting or unkind, say, “Thank you for your opinion.” If you don’t agree with what was upsetting, then add, “I don’t see myself that way. I am sorry you do.” Thus, putting their thoughts back onto them. If you do agree, then add, “Yes, it is something I struggle with. I apologize that it is upsetting to you.” And if you have no clue where this unkindness is coming from, you would add, “What is it that had you say that?”. Then become curious what about you had this person be so unkind. Often you will find the person was not reacting to you but to another situation that you reminded them of.

      Let me give you an example: I hear a lot from people’s parents wanting them to go to work and they have the usual interaction:

     “Go get a job and you will feel better.”

     “I have tried working and it never goes well, and it makes me feel worse to get fired or have to quit.”       

     “You are just lazy!”

     “I am not! You are just mean.” And you are off to the races hurling insults back and forth.

     Let’s look at this from the tips we just talked about.

    “Go get a job and you will feel better.”

    “Thank you. I appreciate your concern.”

    “I mean it! You are just lazy!”

     “Thank you for your opinion. What would have you say that?”

    “You have no skills and no ambition.”

    “Again, thank you for your opinion. I don’t see myself that way. I am sorry that you see me that way and that it bothers you. Is there anything else you would like to say?”

    This will either go on until the person realizes they cannot get your goat or they run out of things to say. As long as you keep calm and keep saying “Thank you”, you are the one in control of the reality and your sanity. 

    All of this takes a lot of practice. People believe there is one reality out there, theirs and their reality is the true reality. Everyone has their own reality. If they didn’t, there would only be one god, one opinion, one language, one Santa Claus. The world would be a boring place. It is all those various types of realities which can make the world exciting and sometimes scary.                

     When someone tells you to “get real”, say “Thank you. I am!” Always remember, knowledge is power. The more you know, about yourself, about people and what impacts them, what they do or even knowing how life works, gives you the upper hand and a chance to stay at peace in your own body and life. That is reality.