Is It Selfish or Something Else?

       I was on a webinar today listening to Peers talk about the inward looking of people who have been labeled as they were being selfish and only thinking of themselves. How they were talking about themselves being selfish until they could learn to think of others. 

     While I applaud the growth, I think people need to be careful how they say things. One listening might think of themselves as being selfish, when looking inward is actually a result of being hurt. When you are in victim mode, thinking about how something would affect others is not your primary concern. You and specially your head are trying to keep you safe. Your head focuses on what it takes to keep you safe. This is the reaction many people who experienced a lot of traumas in their life have. Even if you wanted to, your head, specifically your amygdala, would not allow you to do so. Your amygdala can overrule your cortex or the reasoning part of the brain. I would ask you to consider, you are not being selfish, but your head is still living in fear. When living in fear, whether you are feeling it or not, your head is. It is looking out for you to keep you safe. Looking out or thinking of others is not your amygdala’s job. Keeping you safe is it’s only job and it does it day and night, even when we sleep. 

     When we have not yet found safety, it sounds a lot like, “What if ____ happens? Or What if they don’t like me? Or the dreaded, “What if they laugh at me?” We turn down opportunities for an amazing life due to the fear factor. We convince ourselves we don’t really care about connecting. We choose not to put ourselves out there, just in case. And on the rare occasion, you began to connect and do amazing stuff, your head can get scared and you will find yourself doing something you know won’t end well. One of the things our head can be fearful of is success. There is a saying, the more you stick your neck out, the better target you are for others. 

     How do people begin to be able to use their reasoning brain? It is very simple, but hard to do. One must teach their brain that you are safe. And before you can convince your head, you must begin to realize certain things. The first thing you might need to realize is that you are older and wiser than whenever the fear began to attack you. You have a voice now and hopefully know how to use it. 

     The second thing many of us need to begin is to change our language. Your head listens to you and it was from you that the amygdala learned from the things happening to you. When you put your hand on something hot and felt the pain, most likely you yelled OUCH and your head began to take notes that something hot can equal pain. Stay away from something hot gets recorded in your head. And it isn’t just physical pain, it is emotional pain as well. Asking someone special to be your friend as a child and they turn you down and you feel sad and go home crying. Your amygdala hears this and makes a note to not ask someone to be a friend. Wait and let them ask you. It is safer that way. So just as we trained our brain to keep us safe, we must now train it to recognize we are safe. Again, this starts with language and experience. You still may not want to touch anything hot, but you might be able to ask someone to be your friend and not be devastated if they say no. Self-talk is good practice in this kind of situation. Talking to your amygdala is a way of retraining your brain to not stop you from looking outward. 

     The third thing which is helpful, is to come to the realization that the more we focus inward, the more things hurt. While focusing inward, it is hard to move forward because you literally cannot see where you are going. How can you when your head and all your thoughts are focused on the past and what has happened to you so you can stay safe? Moving forward is very uncomfortable, yet it is the only way we grow. And you did not get here overnight, and so you won’t get out of here overnight. It will take time. Yet as you do the work to be safe and feel safe, amazing opportunities will open for you. Because you are finally looking at where you are going, you become aware of other people around you. These people now become part of your circle of friends. You begin thinking how something effects other people not just you. This is the movement when you can go from being a victim to becoming a survivor. As a survivor you stand upon your hurt which has you master the fear. While it can still take over at times, the more we can stand on it, the less power it has over us. As the fear of hurt lessens, the more we feel safe. The more we feel safe, the easier it is to be with others and begin to see things from others point of view. This takes us away from the constant monitoring of self and danger levels to being one who connects with others. 

      I would caution people in using the word selfish towards themselves or others. When we can realize it is a safety measure, we can give them some grace, as well as ourselves. And in not seeing ourselves as selfish, we can begin healing from the traumas and finding safety in having an amazing life with others.