I don't Want To Grow Up

     As I talk to friends, I find out they feel this way as well. Yet I can look around and I see lots of grownups. I wonder if they also feel like kids. I interact with people, and I feel like they are the same age as me and yet I find they are much younger. In fact, recently a close colleague was talking about taking care of her mom. I was empathetic and by chance I asked her mom’s age. She was only a few years older than me. I then saw my colleague could have been my daughter, or to put it another way, I could have been her mother. YIKES!! I must be old, right? But I still don’t feel like a grownup.

     As I began exploring this phenomenon, I thought maybe if I had graduated from college I would feel like a grownup. I set off exploring this to see if others who had fancy degrees felt like a grownup and I am sad to report back, none of them said they felt like they were a grownup. Now, we all work and are well respected in our fields. We all do important things, yet inside they still felt as if they were a kid, just like me. 

     So, I sit here wondering how can I make the inside match reality? How can I feel the true confidence of a grownup? The wisdom grownups seem to have. The kindness and generosity of forgiving mistakes others make. The seemingly settled nature of being secure in life and having everything figured out. How do I get to those things?

     Looking at my life, others might see those things in me, and I can acknowledge those things, as I can see them from looking from another point of view, but I still struggle to feel secure inside. It is almost like I am an imposter living within my body which outgrew me when I was not looking. I am secure about my income for probably the first time in my life. Although, I have been fortunate to always find ways of making money, I am at a point where I know money will be there and the question now is it enough to live on. Lack of enough to live on has always been something which has sent me sideways and into a dark space. And I believe everyone struggles with this, especially grownups. 

     Maybe, I am more grownup than I feel and maybe this is ok. I keep growing in my wisdom and learning with a beginner’s mind. Maybe this is what keeps me young inside. I love exploring things like a kid does. I want to have friends like children so easily seem to make. I want to remain nonjudgmental about people and trust everything will work out. I also want to trust that if the world goes sideways, there is someone (a grownup) who will be there for me and help me. I think I am beginning to realize how we feel inside is not an age, it is about retaining the spirit of wonder. It is about being uncertain in life and if you are living life, you will be uncertain. You have not done something; how would you know the results. This is a good thing and not something one should lose. As I write this, I realize there are a lot of people who because of our mental health system feel old, no matter their age, because they have lost the sense of wonder about the world. I am glad I don’t feel like a grownup! May I will always be uncertain of life and what will happen. This keeps life exciting. If you feel like a grownup and you know how life is going to go, do something about it. Go make a friend. Get out and find something which lights you up. Do something scary like find a job, ask someone for a date, take a vacation, write your book. Something that you don’t know what the outcome will be. Live with the uncertainty and trust everything will turn out. When we look for things to turn out, we are more likely to find that they do. Sometimes we like the outcomes and sometimes we don’t. This doesn’t matter. What you will find is the excitement and the wonder life will bring you. Good news, if you have been acting like a grownup, it is reversible!! YAY!! Go find the wonder and the joy in life. It is possible.