Blog Post

Who Are You Feeding?

Janet Paleo • May 28, 2023

You have a choice!

      Last night I had a very realistic dream which had a great message and I would like to share it with you. Please note the story is not real. It is made up of the thoughts which converged in my head while I was asleep. In the dream, I was usually the person in the story although occasionally, I was an onlooker. I hope you enjoy my dream as much as I did. I call this dream, What Are You Feeding?.
The whole world seemed to be a tornado and I was the epicenter. Everything in life had erupted. I was angry, depressed, anxious and bitter. Oh so bitter! I had been doing some volunteer work, being a good citizen and a good person. Then a horrible event happened and although not hurt physically, I was left with the state I am in now. Why did I go? Why me? And since then, I have been left in this tornado of depression, anxiety, bitterness, and anger. I can’t seem to find my way out. People seem to be deserting me just when I need them most. Even the little I try to do, no one seems to be grateful for. Oh, they say the right words, but I can tell, they don’t mean it. Life is hard and dark. There is no relief. 
      I have tried everything and nothing is working. I went to a meeting and I was paired up with a lady in a wheelchair. She had the most beautiful smile and peaceful demeanor. I thought, life is not fair. She seems happy and content and here I am in my tornado. Why did I get paired with her? I am sure she is not going to understand me or what I am going through. 
As per the instructions from the leader, we sat together to get to know each other. She started as I didn’t want to say anything. She had been a dancer and that was her passion in life. Then tragically a few years ago, she was driving and was hit by a drunk driver. She no longer was able to dance as she did because she was in a wheelchair. Today, she is a choreographer and people dance to her moves. 
I stared at her. My mouth opened but the words would not come out. I finally muttered, “I am sorry that happened to you.”
She smiled, “Thank you. It has been the best opportunity for me to grow!” 
She said it with such genuine and sincere words, that once again, my mouth hung open. Then she asked about me. I opened my mouth and all the bitterness came out. The tornado threatened to sweep us both away. I began crying and feeling foolish and angry. I ended with, “Life is just not fair! It is too hard.” And without thinking about what I was saying, I exclaimed, “I wish the damage to me was not psychological. I would rather have physical disabilities because there are things you can do for that.”
Almost the second I said it, I saw the shock on her face and I mumbled, “I’m sorry. I should not have said that.”
She looked me straight in the eye and said, “You don’t think I was damaged psychologically? Of course I was. I was so very angry, bitter and I hated the person who did this to me. I thought my life as I knew it was over and nothing good could ever happen again. Depressed? I could have looked the word up and my picture would be next to it. Yes, I understand and I have been there.”
Now I was curious. “How did you get to the peace and contentment that you have now?”
She looked at me and said, “I had to become grateful for what I have, not to be bitter about what I didn’t have. But more than that, I had to realize I was feeding the wrong wolf.”
     “Huh?”
      “I was told a story about a young native American who did a journey quest. Upon his return, he sought out his grandfather, a very wise man. Grandfather, he said, I saw within me two wolves. One was filled with anger, hate, bitterness and loathing. The other wolf was kind, peaceful, successful, and joyous. As I watched, the two wolves began to fight each other. The angry wolf seemed to be winning, yet the fight continued. The grandfather nodded. The young man then asked his grandfather, ‘Who will win? ‘The grandfather responded, The one you feed. And as I heard that, I thought to myself I am feeding the wolf who is making me bitter and angry. 
Every morning I got up I thought about the accident and how much I hated the person who did it. Every second I thought about how my life was not going to be the way I planned. Every day my life was filled with anger, hurt and the dark abyss I had fallen into. I was feeding the wrong one. I did not even know if the other wolf was there, but I had to try to find it. It took on completely questioning my every thought, my every word, even my existence. Even all the pain from the accident which I complained about, I had to be grateful for that. When I notice I had fed the first wolf, I would pull the feeding back and change it to feed the second wolf. At first, the second wolf did not seem to be taking the thoughts and words I was giving it. But slowly, the appetite for the second wolf grew and soon I realized I was feeding the second wolf more. I was feeling happy and peaceful. Then I started thinking, how can I dance? As I danced in my head, I began drawing the movements and the steps. I showed my drawings to the people I had worked with and the next thing I know, I am dancing through other people.”
I looked at her and thought how many times a day I was feeding the first wolf. I thought about how many times a day, I felt I had to explain to people my limitations. I wondered if I had a second wolf. As all of that was processing through my mind, she said one more thing, “It is not the limitations of our mind or our body that stops us in life. Rather it' is the fear and the ‘What if’s?’ that limits what we do and what we can accomplish. When one can focus on what they want to do and where they want to go, great things can be accomplished.”
       Then realizing the power of the last two statements, I awoke, looking for a way to capture the statement before it left me, as dreams often do. I know this was a story in my head, and some of it is things I have used in training. And dreams are parts and pieces of our life we have encountered. But this was a very poignant story, which reminded me, everyday I need to feed the wolf that I want to win. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

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