My Realization

     We are also driven to make sense out of what happens to us, especially if it does not make sense. We will create a plausible explanation to make it make sense. And it does not matter how wild the story, as long as it explains what happens, we will hold fast to the story and sometimes, as we learn more, the story can grow. For instance, a long time ago, native people were out beneath a full moon. Slowly the moon begins to disappear. Not knowing what it causing the disappearing moon, the native people claim to be the cause. They must have angered the gods. To appease them, they made offerings. Then after almost disappearing, the moon begins to reappear. Whew, the people had been able to get back in the good graces with the gods. If we are the cause in an event which makes no sense, then we can do something to make that event not happen again. 

      When events happen to children, a child will blame themselves as being the cause. If I, as the child, am the cause then I if I am better, quieter, prettier, fill in the blank then maybe it won’t happen again. In this sense the control I have is a coping skill. If the event makes no sense, and I am not the cause, then it could happen at any time randomly. The world would have no predictability. Not being able to predict leaves one with a sense of a world which does not make sense. Humans are driven to make sense of the world, even if it is made up. If the world does not make sense then anything could happen at any moment. It would be as if gravity stopped being gravity. The panic, the despair, the loss of control, not being able to touch the ground. Even writing and thinking of this, I feel fear. With no gravity, would anything stay connected? Would we all be drawn into the universe where we would not be able to breathe? My sense of safety flees even as I contemplate this scenario. 

      What I realized is this is not just for children, this happens to all people. We believe we are the cause in someway for things that happen which do not make sense, and perhaps even those things that do make sense. We must be the cause. We have no choice. If we aren’t the cause it would be as if gravity ceases to exist. As I realized that, I remember those events which happened to me, I remember people telling me, “It’s not your fault!”

       I had no other coping skill and the one I had, they were telling me was not correct. While I could understand on a intellectual level, I could not believe because it is the only way I could continue to be in control. I remember blaming myself for blaming myself, thus still remaining the cause, and having some sense of control of the event. I had no choice but to be the cause, or the world would not make sense.

      Now having realized that I had to be the cause, and finding new ways of dealing with what happens in life, I can choose. This opened up a lot for me as I realized all of the times I made up that I was the cause, and how I thought I was a despicable person given that I was causing all those things to happen. I see now it was my brain trying to make sense out of what was happening to me. My brain was working to keep me safe, working to make the world a safe place, while maybe not happy, at least alive with some degree of predictability. 

     Then I thought about how many times I told people “It’s not your fault. You are not to blame! How could you be the cause?” I was telling them their reasoning did not make sense.

     I was taking away their control, the ability to make the world make sense without offering any other coping skills. This is like asking “What is wrong with you?” instead of “What happened to you?” 

     This had me realize our way of treating people may not be adequate. Our system is often about taking away people’s control. This was part of the June 2017 United Nations report which states the mental health system must start allowing the people in services to be on an equal level as the professionals.

     “At the clinical level, power imbalances reinforce paternalism and even patriarchal approaches, which dominate the relationship between psychiatric professionals and users of mental health services. That asymmetry disempowers users and undermines their right to make decisions about their health, creating an environment where human rights violations can and do occur. Laws allowing the psychiatric profession to treat and confine by force legitimize that power and its misuse. That misuse of power asymmetries thrives, in part, because legal statutes often compel the profession and obligate the State to take coercive action.” Report of the Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health Section B. Power asymmetries Paragraph 22

      The more the system takes away control, the more we must make it our fault to have some control. So it makes it harder to recover because we push our sense of worth down further until we feel like the worst person in the world. Why shouldn’t bad things happen to the worst person on earth? Of course I deserve it, I have to so the world makes sense. 

     Maybe it is time to look at how the system works. Perhaps the type of treatment and therapy needs to be changed. Understanding how we have to make sense of the world, and how we tend to blame ourselves when nothing else makes sense as a means of gaining control, could give us the self awareness to begin our journey of healing and recovery. Maybe when this happens, we can finally realize, maybe we are not as bad as we think we are. I am beginning to realize that now. I hope this helps you too.