Blog Post

Expectations

Janet Paleo • October 11, 2021

Expectations by Janet Paleo

     Unmet expectations are one of the three leading reasons for getting angry. The other two are thwarted intentions and undelivered communications. Expectations are one of those things we don’t intentionally think about a lot, although expectations are part of our everyday life. We expect when we flip the switch, the light will come on. We expect money will buy us things. We expect for our life to be pretty close to what it was yesterday, at least most of the time. When those things we expect don’t happen, it can cause a lot of upset. Can you imagine waking up and all US currency has been declared invalid? All your accounts, savings, etc. would be worthless. If your imagination is good, then you would recognize not only the anger but the despair which would result. Yet rarely do we even think to ourselves, “What do I expect?”
     Upon reflecting about expectations, I realize our whole life really revolves around expectations which are not recognized by us. We expect there to be a daytime and a nighttime. We expect lights to come on when we turn on the switch. We expect for locked doors to be honored. We expect for people to be kind. We expect that justice and fairness will win out in the long run. We expect people to treat us the way we want to be treated. Are you getting a sense of how much we expect in life? We even expect to open our eyes every morning. We expect the world will be pretty much what it was yesterday. Then life happens and our expectations are thwarted. And whenever our expectations are thwarted, there is upset, or almost always. 
      But what can you do? How do you stop having expectations? Now to expect that you can stop having expectations is a near impossible request and to be truthful, you would never be able to. And if you could eliminate all expectations, if would be like waking up in a new world everyday. That also would not be helpful. 
      So, what is a person to do? First thing is to notice you have expectations. When you get upset at something, look to see if you had an expectation that did not get fulfilled. Did someone else get upset with you? Did they have an expectation of you that you didn’t fulfill? By noticing when we get upset or others get upset, we can realize the upset for what it is. Sometimes we have expectations that were only created by us, not another person. When we can realize it was our expectation, we can do something about it. Upon realizing a person created an expectation, then we can have a discussion about it.
      The other thing we can do is realize we can have expectations of others, without them ever knowing there was an expectation. Many of our expectation come from stereotyoes around roles and labels. As I grew up, I realized I had an expectation that my parents should be like the people I saw on TV. The TV was the role model of good and perfect parents. Understandably, my parents did not live up to that role model. It took me a long time to realize those were false expectations I put on someone else. My parents, like most parents, did the best the could with what they knew. And since I survived childhood, something was done right. Now I need to look at my expectations of me, instead of them. 
      This brings up a really good point as well, the expectations I have of me. Did I take what was role modeled on TV as a “good” life or being successful or fill in the blank and developed the expectations for my life? And it is not just TV; magazines, books, other social media. Often we can look at those and say “I don’t measure up!” Maybe you are measuring yourself by something that is not even real. And if we expect ourselves to be that, then when we are not, we get upset with ourselves. That can result in a lot of different things, from hating ourselves, punishing ourselves to wanting to die. What if we started looking at what we expect of ourselves and what we base that on. I know for me; my size is one area where I thought I should look a certain way. All my doctors told me. The fashion designers told me because the clothes I got to wear were ugly and old. Now that has gotten better, and it can still be a struggle sometimes. Kids where the ones who really let me know that I did not measure up. A false expectation based on a perceived way of how people are supposed to look. And you may be saying, but people need to be healthy and skinny is healthier. That is not true. Healthy and skinny are not the same thing. The message we were actually given is that skinnier is more beautiful, more attractive, somehow better than non-skinny people. People can be larger and still be healthy. What if I changed my expectation from being skinnier to an expectation of making better food choices and accepting myself the way I am, rather than who I am told to be. Trashing the expectation that I need to be skinny to fit in and be beautiful, then I can expect me to be the best me I can be. 
     As you can see expectations are one of those things that takes a lot of introspection. We will never rid ourselves of expectations. It is like the air we breathe, which we always expect we will be able to do. It is a tool to use though, when upset happens. Looking at what we expected or what someone else might have expected from us, gives us room to dispel the upset. Dispelling the upset is good for our body and can keep us from developing high blood pressure among many other stress disorders. 
      Expectations are at the essence of what humans do. Maybe it is time for us to challenge some of those expectations which don’t empower us. I expect you will know what I mean!

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